I had taken a dose of LSD that he couldn’t handle in the Summer of 1998. The effects of the LSD went completely haywire. I was in a dark fantasy world of which had no control, nor escape. The people I saw contorted into minions… the very air I breathed seemed to be filled with acidic poison. The back of my brain felt like it was melting off of my head. I didn’t know then that LSD physically made my brain hemorrhage. I only felt completely out of control. I remembered reading of Mephistopheles in the legend of Faust. Had I been overcome by some dark angel like him? Would I ever make it out of this state of mind, or was I doomed to wear a straightjacket in a little white room for the rest of my life?
The profound, dark thoughts seemed to overcome my mind like a swarm of wasps…
A year before, I was smoking weed every day and getting drunk on weekends. Two years before I was dabbling with pot and alcohol. Three years before it was just cigarettes and an occasional shot of alcohol. All that to say, what started as a mildly mischievous juvenile pursuit, had turned into an obvious problem.
There were reasons why I did the things I did, and reasons why I shouldn’t have done them.
Analogously, there are reasons why we all do the things we do. Some of them are justified, and some are selfish. We’re all products of the nature and nurture that we’ve been handed. In one sense we’re all victims, and yet in another sense we’re all completely responsible for our actions. Jerry Cantrell wrote words in song to his bandmate, Layne Staley in the song “No Excuses” in 1994;
Something hits me all so cold
Find me sitting by myself
No excuses that I know
Every addict finds themselves sitting alone with no excuses left at some point in their addiction… usually numerous times. Layne Staley died from a mixture of heroin and cocaine… Laboratory results determined the singer died April 5, 2002, according to a spokesperson for the King County medical examiner’s office, the same day fellow grunge pioneer Kurt Cobain committed suicide in 1994. Staley was found dead two weeks later, surrounded by intravenous drug paraphernalia in his Seattle apartment. The death certificate reads Staley’s death resulted from “an acute intoxication due to the combined effects of opiate (heroin) and cocaine.” The death was classified as “accidental.” (http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1453818/staley-died-from-mix-heroin-cocaine.jhtml)
I was and am not a famous musician like Staley, though I’ve had delusions of grandeur wishing I would be, and my story did not end like Staley’s, or so many other forgotten phantoms who never got national publicity for their overdose. (In 2010, there were 25 overdose deaths per 100,000 people in the U.S. (www.popsci.com)) My story of addiction ended with redemption. My story ended with a life completely enraptured with the presence, sacrifice, and teachings of Jesus Christ. It hasn’t made life easier, or like some Ned Flanders, cornucopian, utopian day-dream. But it has made it clearer and more beautiful.
I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind. (Eccl. 1:14)
But we must ask the question… are drugs a channel for spirituality? A lot of people would hear this question and easily dismiss it- of course drugs aren’t “spiritual”! Other people would go to the other extreme and say “they are the only channel into the spiritual!” The fact is, drugs are spiritual. The real quandary is whether or not the spirituality they induce has a positive or negative effect. Do they uncover an insidious darkness or a utopian dream-world? Are they gateways into true consciousness and the other unused ninety-percent of our brains, or are they toxic poisons that cause irreparable damage to our sanity and physical health?
I was raised by parents who were basically agnostic, and they encouraged me all of my life to expand my horizons and search for enlightened creativity, individual expression, and freedom.
Much like my Father, whose spiritual search led him down a road of using drugs and playing in the Cleveland rock and roll scene of the 1970’s. I spent a lot of my youth listening to the Beatles, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, and played music. I began to believe that experimenting with drugs would lead me to a higher plane of enlightenment, and give me greater creativity. I was writing songs at the age of 12, and began using drugs at the age of 14. I really did approach using them on a spiritual level, and felt that somehow they would give me a greater connection to the mystical.
But in the story that will follow, we will see how that journey ended up hitting some very serious dead-ends, and eventually I was at the end of my rope, and miraculously stumbled into a real, vibrant relationship with God that changed my life completely.
- ALICE IN CHAINS: Quality Fan-Filmed Video Footage Of Chicago Concert (blabbermouth.net)
- The Simpsons (thedistinctdot.com)
- Heroin, Amphetamines Head List of Problem Drugs (thejakartaglobe.com)
- first things first (myaddictionandrecovery.wordpress.com)