It’s amazing the illusion one cultivates in the midst of addiction. Doing wrong is fun for a fool, but living wisely brings pleasure to the sensible. (Proverbs 10:23) It’s a horrible thing to have your health deteriorating at the age of 16, but when you’re high you almost don’t care. As time rolls forward you convince yourself that committing slow suicide is the way to go. People used to ask me at the age of 16, “So Ben, what do you see yourself doing with your life?” I would answer, “I don’t know man. I might not even make it past 20… But I’m going to party as hard as I can until then.” Drugs had become my god. I even believed that my destiny was destruction, and my glory was in their shame, because my mind was set on earthly things. (Phil. 3:19) I was even willing to die because of drugs and for drugs, because they seemed to give me my only moments of manufactured happiness amidst the desperation and brokenness of the social order I observed around me. On the outside I was the court jester, a king of fools, a peace-child wanna-be sixties hippie, and on the inside I was growing more cynical and angry every day. The alienation that one experiences in the midst of chronic drug use is profound and deeply devitalizing.
Despite the popular music of 1998, early 90’s bands like Alice in Chains began to sing the lyrics of my existence.
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
Down in a hole, outta control
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
In moments alone, stark moments of sobriety which lasted only minutes and hours, I was buried in a hole. I was lying to everyone I really cared about- my girlfriend Harmony, my parents, and even some of my friends. In fact, many of my friends were becoming afraid of me. I began to identify more with people who I once thought were too crazy or too criminal to associate with. There were strange moments when I longed for my childhood again… days when I felt untainted and more innocent.
Where was my soul in all of this? I suppose I had buried it beneath the mounds of drugs, alcohol, and lapsed memories. My conscience had been hardened in so many ways. I didn’t care if I turned in homework at all, and I had no problem lying all of the time. It didn’t matter to me if everything around me crumbled. “These are all things that society just expects me to do man…” I would reason to myself. I may have kept a calm exterior because I was self-medicated all of the time. But deep inside my world was spinning out of control. “If there is a God out there he definitely wouldn’t want anything to do with me”, I often thought in my darkest moments. I would just do another shot, smoke another bowl, pop another pill or drop another tab to try and forget about my deeper thoughts. To me, God was a distant memory, a figment of my childhood imagination. “Maybe God doesn’t really exist”, I thought. “Maybe just the moral, do-gooders of the world made him up to feel like they’re better than everybody”. These were the honest reflections of my mind as I became more marginalized by the mainstream people of my little microcosm of culture. “No one will ever really love me”, I thought. “Nobody really wants to understand me or know me”. “I’m all alone in this world… in my addiction and misery”. I would’ve mustered the strength to pray if I thought someone was listening, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. How was I even sure that anyone was there? Nobody really cared anyways, I thought to myself.
Even music had become an afterthought for me. It was ironic, because I had originally thought that drugs would enhance my music. Quite the opposite was true. In years before, I had written between thirty and fifty songs a year. In the year of 1997, I had only written about twenty songs, which were getting increasingly weird. The recordings I made contained more mistakes than ever, and my vocals were out of key at times. Even the sound of my voice deteriorated as I assaulted it daily with a variety of smoke, sleepless nights and hard living. Throughout the winter and spring of 1998, and all the way into summer, I continually worked on the recording of one eight-minute song, and kept scrapping parts because I was too constantly intoxicated to produce anything of musical value. I certainly hadn’t found the inspiration that I thought would come from LSD… Lucy was so far away in the sky with diamonds that I couldn’t make out her distorted face in the clouds. The only happiness I experienced was chemical… fake… and I began to view everyone and everything through that lens. ”What a bunch of fakes and phonies” I thought about the world and society around me.
In Ohio, at Hudson High School, during the spring of 1998, the teachers had gotten tired of a bad contract and decided to go on strike. This meant that we would get a lot of press from the local news stations. This also meant that they would try to set up a system to keep us in school. They sent teachers in to substitute and pick up where the others had left off. But because of the strike we knew there was no legal requirement for us to attend.
I remember when the cameras from the local news showed up at our institution. All the students had decided to march out of the building and skip at 10am. There was nothing anyone could do about it- not the school board, not the cops. When 10am arrived, we all marched our way out of the temple of learning in great defiance. I felt like I was part of the late 1960’s. The cameras from the news station were there as we walked out. I was definitely out of my mind when I saw them, and was yelling expletives as they passed by… I was shocked that I didn’t make it on the local news that night at 11pm. Looking back I realize how silly I was to think that they’d put a loudmouth kid swearing at the camera on TV.
This began 18 days of freedom from responsibility. It was like summer vacation. We never went to school. Of course I started to go completely out of control. I was using more than I ever had before. I honestly don’t even remember one detail about those 18 days. I just know that I was let loose like a wild, untamed golden retriever in a vacant candy store. I was bound to leave a trail of devastation behind… and have no idea exactly what that devastation even looked like.
I do know that we had RockFest for our Junior year of High School after the strike was over. I was playing bass in a psychedelic cover band with mostly guys that were older than me at the show, and was invited to play one acoustic tune on my own. The Hudson local channel had come to film the performance and interview the performers. I only heard about this afterwards, because they had supposedly interviewed me and I had absolutely no recollection of even talking to them. But there I was, on local TV for all the parents of Hudson students and local authorities to see me. I never watched what I said, but people told me that I acted completely insane and babbled in incoherent riddles. I do also know that I played the song “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd acoustically when I had my solo spot. I invited an older friend, Willie Martin, to sing with me. At one point I was addressing the audience;
“Hey man… is Willie Martin out there?” I said into the microphone before an audience of about 300 kids. “I need him to come up and sing with me… Yo Willie, where are you brotha? Haha…”
I was told later that I kept asking for Willie to come up, for about 3 minutes. He had been right next to me on the microphone to my left for about 2 of those minutes. I do remember only the moment when I looked over and saw him. I exclaimed, “Oh man, there you are!” and everyone was laughing at me. I officially had the reputation of being a complete stoner.
The summer of 1998 was about to unleash me into a wild realm of reckless existence. My friend Mitchell began to become afraid of doing harder drugs. He backed away from my pursuit of deeper aberration. I was beginning to hang out in the haunts of my town with the freaks, drop-outs and super bohemians. I had friends in their twenties who dealt drugs. I was stepping into a world of danger that I knew nothing about, but I didn’t care where it led me… whether it be insanity, prison, or even death. I know that my parents were afraid for me, but I didn’t care what they thought anymore. I didn’t want to follow any rules except the voice of id.